A telepathic connection to squirrels.

The ability to manipulate remote controls with my mind.

A preternatural knowledge of the rules of cricket.

Total resistance to guilt.

A ferret that fights crime.

Pan-dimensional Felching.

The awesome power to influence the minds of French People.

Thumbs that could be turned all the way around, and when released, spin repeatedly back into place, to comic effect.

Super Balls.

Secret button which, when pressed, unleashes a horde of Vikings, who sing a hilarious show tune, then KILL.

The power to reveal inconvenient truths to the wrong people at inappropriate times.

Turning into a pony.

A suit of pretty much invincible body armour that also blasts the song ‘Tiny Dancer’ at my enemies on an endless loop.

The ability to control humidity.

Acid-breath.

Total control of the A47, and all it’s rest stops.

The ability to smell into the future.

Being able to solve crimes with my dog while really fucking high.